I went to a major league baseball game the other day, first game I have been to in over a year. I am a big baseball fan but going to a game is a pain. It’s generally hard to get there, hard to get out, decent tickets are expensive, food is ridiculous (at this great American ball park they have stopped providing tops and straws for pop – ever try to carry a 44 oz paper cup of coke with no top? – it’s not as easy as you might think, especially if you have a slice of pizza and a bag of peanuts). But the worst thing about going to a game is, without a doubt, the fans.

It was a great game. I wasn’t rooting for the home team, I never seem to be, but there were plenty of visiting team fans there too so I wasn’t too worried. The score stayed close and even though the visitors moved up by four runs in the sixth, the home fans didn’t head for the exits but stayed to the last pitch. And, as if to show his appreciation, K-rod obliged by loading the bases with only one out in the bottom of the ninth, then preceded to hang on by his fingernails for a one run visitor win. But the big thing about the game was that it convinced me about a couple of things.

The first is that just about everyone who sits near me at the game should be given a breathalyzer before they can leave the ball park. Last call used to be in the 7th, but I see that now it is down to the fifth and I might be tempted to push for the top of the 3rd. I enjoy a beer as much as the next guy but it gives people some real perceptual issues. They begin to think that no one can hear them talking. And they begin to think that everything they say is either really funny or really smart. But worst of all, it makes them think that even though they are in the third row with a clear and unobstructed view of the plate, they need to stand up from the fourth inning on.

But more important than that, it convinced me of the need for a good, solid ‘belt’ law. I am sick and tired of seeing everybody’s underwear. What we need are concrete guidelines specifying just how ‘up’ you need to wear that thing. For years, inner city kids have been doing this but at least they have the common decency to wear shirts that go down to their knees. Unfortunately, the people adopting this style today don’t think that’s necessary. It is. Besides, rappers and what not have been doing it for fifteen years or more. And now you are going to jump on the bandwagon? That’s just plain sad.

Nor would the belt law affect just dudes. It would be accompanied by a rider that would require everyone to safety pin their underwear (or jeans if they are going commando which is their right) to an upper body garment. Without getting pointed here, let me simply say that you have to be Victoria Secret hot before I am interested in seeing your crack every time you sit down or stand up. Particularly if you are standing up in front me of with a runner breaking for the plate.

I am not against individuality (heavens no) or doing things differently (my way of life) but the trick is to pick something that actually improves the way you appear to others, not something that makes your whole situation worse. Being out there is one thing, making yourself look like a fool to get there is another. It’s time to stop the madness. Contact your legislator today!